The Music Archives
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Archive 1, Section 2: Original Compositions (1995 – 2017)
Performing is the easiest part of what I do,
and songwriting is the hardest. – Neil Diamond
Part I: The Dark Demo
In 1995, after a few years of difficulty, with no new songs composed, I had a short period of productive songwriting yielding five new tunes. I ended up recording them in my sister’s basement (which I called the Dark Demo due to medical and marital difficulties I was working through at the time) with two great musical partners in crime volunteering their talents for the cause – Steve Squires on drums, and Glen Abbott on bass – and I am forever in their debt. Thanks, guys!
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Contemporary Saviour
The first song from this period was an expression of appreciation to my partner at the time, for being so patient with my medical difficulties and how they were putting a strain on our marriage. I didn’t know it at the time, but she was running out of patience and would be leaving me no more than a month after the song was written. Even so, the lyrics are sincere and heartfelt. And of the five songs recorded, this one was drummer Steve Squires favourite.
Contemporary Saviour
This man leaves a lot to be desired.
Don’t know why she treats me like I don’t.
Sad and mad, whether weak or wired.
I say I will and then I say I won’t.
You see I came upon a flower in a clearing,
weary from the path that I had worn.
Sun-filled, kissed by rain and so endearing.
And ever since that day I’ve been a shattered soul reborn.
I thank the Lord for patience that he gave her.
I pray that I’ll be always in her favour.
Oh, she is my contemporary saviour.
I have always needed a companion,
just to help me people pages in a way.
But you’ve become the author, Baby, then some,
just by being with me every day.
I don’t know how you manage to be selfless,
‘cause like the man himself you suffer too.
Wise and brave when I am almost helpless,
taking me from nothing to being strong enough for two.
Living is a liberating labour,
and to my bitter life she adds a flavour.
Oh, she is my contemporary saviour.
She ought to leave right now and who can blame her?
But instead she keeps a check on my behavior.
Yeah, she is my contemporary saviour.
* * *
Paradise Lost
As mentioned, “Contemporary Saviour” was written just a few weeks before my partner left me, without knowing that was going to happen. This one came some time after it happened, as I needed to first grapple with the pain of the loss.
Just when I was beginning to get my romantic legs back, so to speak, and looking forward again, an idea for a lyric woke me from my sleep at four in the morning. It would be the only song that came to me this way. I was afraid I would wake the next day unable to remember it, so I got up to write it down and never went back to bed. By ten that morning it was finished.
Paradise Lost
Give me a word that I can count on now, Baby,
just before I lose my mind.
You know what I heard made me cry out loud, Baby,
‘cause I’m the trusting kind.
This ain’t the way you said it would be.
How could I know you would do this to me?
Give me the heart that you have broken now, Baby,
‘cause I’ll need it on my way.
Now haven’t I always treated you just like a lady,
like I promised on that day?
I really meant it when I pledged you my love.
I gotta ask what were you thinking of?
I… cry as you go. Now I face life without you.
Oh but I… want you to know, that I will if I have to,
and then
I’ll find love again.
Give me a chance to get this world off my shoulders,
then you’ll regret your choice.
‘cause she’s out there somewhere and when I find her I will hold her,
and together we’ll rejoice.
It’s not that I want to lose what we made.
I can’t spend my time wishing you’d stayed.
I… cry as you go. Now I face life without you.
Oh but I… want you to know, that I will if I have to,
and then…
I’ll find love again.
I’ll find love again.
I will find love again.
This song was a turning point in terms of dealing with my partner’s sudden, unexpected departure. And my optimism, as is clear from the chorus and last verse, was already returning with some vigor, betraying new feelings of hope, as I am wont to do.
* * *
Meaninglessness
Though recorded with the other four, this one was written during the dark days immediately after I was left alone; alone in our house with half the furniture, half the wall hangings, half cutlery…you get the idea. Lonely doesn’t begin to describe how I was feeling, as I was quite ill and in poverty at the same time. Words like ‘despair’ and ‘futility’ came closer, so this became the theme for this country song.
Meaninglessness
I start each day the same way that it ends:
empty as a bed,
where words of love are never said.
I try to face the morning with a cigarette.
I draw it into me,
the smoke a
welcome enemy.
I see again what’s wrong,
no love to make me strong,
and this day will be longer than the one before.
Now I’m hurting even more.
Without my true companion there’s no meaning.
There ain’t no point, there’s nothing worth redeeming.
Alone with all my plans and crazy notions.
Without you I’m just going through the motions.
My friends know just how much all this is killing me.
They don’t know what to say,
and words don’t help me anyway.
How can I look forward with you in my past?
A prisoner of time,
with a mountain much too high to climb.
And even if I could,
oh, what would be the good?
Just another place I stood without you next to me,
in obscurity.
Without my true companion there’s no meaning.
There ain’t no point, there’s nothing worth redeeming.
Alone with all my plans and crazy notions.
Without you I’m just going through the motions.
I end each day the same way it begins:
empty as a bed,
where words of love are never said.
I am particularly pleased with way the last line, about the close of the day, rearranges the words of the first line about the start of the day, bracketing the song like a frame tale of sorts.
***
Heavy Load
With this snappy little song, I was obviously more upbeat and optimistic about my future, though it was clearly written with a wry smile and tongue firmly planted in cheek. I was still destitute and ill, and very lonely, but I was trying to break through it.
Heavy Load
Well, I just opened a beer, I got the keys on the wall.
The phone is off the hook ‘cause I don’t want to get a call
me crazy if you want to, or call me a fool,
but nowadays I feel like the exception to the rule.
Life seems to leave me by the side of the road,
and I’m still dealing with this heavy load.
Someone keeps on knocking at the place next door.
I’ve opened another, now I’m starting to pour
all my heart out here with a paper and pen,
trying to make the exorcism happen again.
I can’t abide living in this humble abode,
and I’m still dealing with this heavy load.
Kicking and a-scratching for a little piece of something I can call mine.
But I’ll be a-patching up my wounded heart and have a better life further on down the line.
Well, now that I think about it, I’ll be alright.
The beer is really working and I’m ready for a fight
the good fight, soldier, and hold up your heart.
I can tell you tonight I feel like making a start.
But tomorrow I could feel like old Tom Joad,
and I’m still dealing with this heavy load.
The writing’s on the wall, but I think it’s in code,
And I’m still dealing with this heavy load.
I liked the song, and I was pleased with the lyrics. But I had no idea how I was going to patch up my wounded heart, never mind have a better life.
***
Next Wave
One day my song “In Between” came to mind. Suddenly, calling out to “whomever she may be” seemed like a good idea again. Elvis Costello has always been one of my favorite songwriters, and my next song was an effort to write in his style, with his attitude. Only the most astute Costello fans can say whether I succeeded, but the more I listen to it, the more I hear that caustic Elvis edge in the words and music. Those who know Costello’s music intimately may hear, as I do, Steve and Glen channeling Pete and Bruce Thomas (no relation save Elvis) respectively.
Next Wave
You say that the men on the make are legion.
You say that they’re after your nether region.
I’m not that kind of guy.
Anyway, you’ve yet to say: “Don’t be so shy.”
I had a girl who could not be a woman.
Then I had a woman, but I was too human.
They say that three’s a charm,
and I only want to be your arm in arm.
Passion to burn, all I need is a flame.
Don’t know if I’m going to make it to my next Thanksgiving Day.
Thanksgiving Day.
The American Dream is a fatal obsession.
So, if they’re all asleep how can they learn a lesson?
They say in God we trust,
but I think they’re just afraid of going bust.
We have a duty to take a position.
And those who refuse, they don’t know what we’re missin’.
I’m not a simple man,
But I’m pretty sure that I know who I am,
and I’ll do all I can.
Walk with me, talk with me, show me the way.
You could be the guest of honour at my next Thanksgiving Day.
Thanksgiving Day.
It may not be in the cards.
Then please give your heart my regards.
You may decline, but I’d love you to say:
“Yes”, then I’d know I’ve arrived at my next Thanksgiving Day.
Thanksgiving Day.
Thanksgiving Day.
Still unwell and lonely, it nevertheless felt like there was something alive in me again. I was able to look forward again, lyrically, and something deep inside me found a reason to go on. It even seemed like something positive may be dawning in my life, and I had the feeling that there was something more that I needed to accomplish.
***
Part II: Feeling…At Home
During the summer of 2009, a series of domestic moments and events drove me to write four new songs. They were all recorded at home in St. John’s with a Korg-D888 eight-track recorder I rented and eventually bought from Long and McQuade. As I review these songs, I can’t help feeling grateful for being able to capture special feelings for members of my family as they arose. It is easily one of the best parts of being a songwriter.
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The Very Best
A quiet, gentle soul like Tina’s is particularly ill-suited to deal with a strong, deep voice like mine when it’s anywhere near full throttle. A bout of it during an argument had left her shaken, and this song was my apology. But as I look back at it now, I can see it was the first time I began to suspect that I might be developing a drinking problem, something I confirmed for myself over the next few years. In 2016 I quit alcohol for good.
The chorus line is a real country music hook (see “Tunes”), and I can honestly say I was contrite when I wrote it:
The Very Best
I’ve been wrong
for oh so long,
and kept the best of me from you.
But you’ve been loving me,
the ‘me’ you thought I could be,
trusting I would someday come along.
But, oh, Baby. At long last I am here.
And your faith in me is what has seen us through.
Oh, Baby. The very best of us is you.
I let myself be sad,
overlooking what I had,
and I indulged my pain.
I guess I lost my way.
But you loved me anyway.
And I let you down to my eternal shame.
But, oh, Baby. Our love is everything.
And from your quiet strength I take my cue.
Oh, Baby. The very best of us is you.
And, oh, Baby. From my point of view,
I stand in awe of everything you do.
Oh, Baby. The very best of us is you.
In years to come,
with a future won,
we might make it after all.
And I may well succeed,
and all your hopes exceed.
And I may lead us straight into the sun.
But, oh, Baby. What could I have done,
if I didn’t have your dreams to live up to?
Oh, Baby. The very best of us is you.
Do-do-do-do-do my Baby. The very best of us is you.
I’m in relation to my Baby. The very best…of us…is you.
***
Maria
I never learned to read music, and I have no formal training at all on the piano. But I very much enjoyed fooling around with my ear and an old upright we bought for our family room in St. John’s. It always seemed to me to be a good instrument for writing songs, as all the notes are all strung out before you in a row; to the left the notes get lower, to the right higher. Simple. Not at all like the guitar. And with a chord on the piano, you can easily alter one note at a time and tinker, very often discovering how this or that famous tune was discovered.
One day, we were talking about Maria, and when Tina went for a nap, I sat down to the piano. I was noodling around and happened on a nice hook that sounded pretty and profound all at once. Traces of our conversation were lingering, and it was another one of those rare and wonderful songwriting sessions when the lyrics just seem to fall in around the notes of a new melody as it was coming to be:
Maria
If I tried to tell you just what you mean to me,
there’s a chance that I could scare you, inadvertently.
Please believe I only want to help you grow to be
all that you decide yourself, to suit you perfectly.
There’s life in your love.
Maria. Maria.
Such a lovely little lady, this I’ve said before.
Now if you don’t mind sweet child, I’m trying to say more.
When I fell in love this time, how could I have known
such an unexpected joy would also be my own?
There’s love in your life.
Maria. Maria.
Stay pretty angel and just play.
Save your growing up for some other day.
See yourself the way you want to see.
Pretty soon we’ll see what you can be.
If you wonder why this song has such a lonely tune,
maybe it’s because I missed the first nine years with you.
But that’s okay, I’m grateful for the life we’ve left to love,
and I promise I will always thank the stars above
for you in my heart.
Maria. Maria.
It would take more than seven years, a full five years after it was recorded, for me to find the courage to play it for her. Even then, I’m not sure I was able to be in the room as she listened. It was a tender tune; and like her mother, her self-conscious, quiet reaction told me it meant a lot to her.
But I think it meant as much or more to me. It was one of those times I felt humbled and grateful for having the wherewithal to express well the feelings I had for another human being. That she is so special made the song special for me. At times like this I am sometimes moved to tears, to know that my feelings will outlive me in the song and continue to say “I love you” to her long after I am gone.
***
Ree-Percussion
Tina’s sister Rose (who they affectionately call Ree) called to congratulate me on the evening of the day I convocated with my Master’s degree in Community Health from the School of Medicine at Memorial. She said she had heard about my news earlier in the day from Tina, and she had been thinking about it during supper so she thought she would call.
For reasons I won’t go into here (see poetry archives for more detailed auto-biographical info on this), I was feeling somewhat alone. After the call, appreciating it more than she could know, I set about the business of thanking her in a special way. It was another case of the words and melody coming into existence together, and the song was finished that night:
Ree-percussions
We all need a family to love and depend upon.
And if you don’t have a family, you’re just going to have to make one.
But if you chance to find one already loving you,
you’re as blessed as a little baby blue.
We all need supporting when we succeed as well as fall.
And I had not a family to share my fortune with a call.
Just then she reached out to me, to help me celebrate my day,
to show me I had family, anyway.
Rosie, you’re my sister.
Rosie, you’re my friend.
You help me bring my broken heart to mend.
Rosie, can I thank you?
Hey, Rosie, don’t you know?
You have helped me have a family, even though.
She’s a sister to the ladies. An enduring flower child.
She’s certainly a character, and I bet that she’s a lover wild.
But she’s mostly like a mother as she calls them all by name.
Yet she’s making me feel special, just the same.
Rosie, you’re my sister.
Rosie, you’re my friend.
You help me bring my broken heart to mend.
Rosie, can I thank you?
Hey, Rosie, don’t you know?
You have helped me have a family, even though.
You have helped me have a family, even though
Rosie, I’m your brother….
***
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Für und Wie
“For and Like” is the English translation of this German title. It is a classical piano piece for my wife, Tina, which is also like her. I gave it a German title because I can hear the influences of my favourite German composers in it, chief among them Johann Strauss and W. A. Mozart.
It is beautiful and delicate like Tina, and it also captures her demure ways and her playfulness. There is even a passage that mirrors her downcast moments, as it breaks down to a minor key; but also reflects her rise out of sadness again, as it triumphantly builds back up to the major. As with “Maria”, you can tell I’m not a proper pianist, and with this one I’ve created a piece that is beyond my ability to play without error from beginning to end. The excerpt provided is of the last minute or so of the recording – the least flawed portion. Also, you may need to boost the volume for this one, as the recording level was a bit low.
MEMBER ALERT: This is a genuine classical piano composition awaiting a qualified ABOTA member who is an accomplished pianist and can learn and play it for me in the studio, so I can have a perfect piano track to which I can add strings and maybe some percussion. If you would like to get involved with this project, please get in touch. I think the piece deserves to be played properly in a recording studio.
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Part III: Inspirations
As we moved into the 2010s, home life and family continued to inspire original songs. Three of them are grounded in feelings for grandchildren, and I felt driven to write them; possessed, almost as though I had no choice. The children, or rather my love for them, simply pulled the songs out of me, though not without a lot of work that was more like midwifery than songwriting – I was merely assisting!
Those three were born out of songwriting sessions like no other I had known up to that point, and two of the three might just be the best two songs I’ve written to date. Such was the case for a couple of other geographically themed tunes written and recorded during this period, but in a different way. For these it was like the craft of songwriting itself had taken hold of me. Looking back now I can only conclude that the songwriter in me somehow managed to tap into a particularly rich vein of creativity over the few years it took to write these five songs.
I thought so much of them, I decided to take it up a notch in terms of recording. A little research put me in touch with Krisjan Leslie, a cool, talented man around my age with his full basement pimped out as a recording studio. It is complete with a sound booth, a full set of drums, and dozens of different instruments available for use, some vintage. Recording these songs with Krisjan was a joy, and I hope I have the opportunity to record there with him again.
***
Listen to the Ocean
Soon after leaving alcohol behind my senses started getting sharper again. I was feeling aspects of my health returning, aspects I was completely unaware alcohol had taken from me. My appreciation for Nature returned, though I had become numb to its absence, and I was moved to write a song about the way Nature behaves in Branch. I even recorded the ocean in front of the house for the intro and the fade out. Considering my newly established sobriety, it was also an opportunity to appeal for a rejuvenation of our love – a romantic rallying cry of sorts:
Listen to the Ocean
Listen to the ocean.
Feel the motion.
I got a notion, Baby, we’ll be alright.
See the birds fly.
Hear the lambs cry.
Smell the grass try to see that we’re fine.
I know that we’ve had some wild and windy days,
and waves we’ve had to ride.
Whatever happens, our love comes into play,
and no matter what the weather,
we’re warm and safe inside.
Listen to the ocean.
Feel the motion.
I got a notion, Baby, we’ll be alright.
See the birds fly.
Hear the lambs cry.
Smell the grass try to see that we’re fine.
I’ve been thinkin’,
our ship ain’t close to sinkin’.
We’ve only been drinkin’ our rights and our wrongs
We’ve got a right to
a brand new debut.
And, Baby, we’ll dance through the rest of our songs.
Can’t let hard times, take us out to sea,
and too far from the shore.
We’ll surrender to sensuality,
and all that we’ll be needing is right outside our door.
Hear me, Baby.
You’re my only lady.
Don’t you think maybe it’s true what I say?
Whatever the season,
we’ve got every reason
to keep on pleasin’ ourselves every day.
Whenever we want to, we can play around,
or go walking on the beach.
The rain and the sunshine, the starlight and the moon,
The dawn and sunset, it’s all within our reach, so…
Listen to the ocean.
Feel the motion.
I got a notion, Baby, we’ll be alright.
See the birds fly.
Hear the lambs cry.
Smell the grass try to see that we’re fine,
see that we’re fine,
see that we’re doing just fine.
***
Adam
My son had our first grandchild in Toronto soon after Tina and I got together. Jaden is a wonderful boy who has grown into a strong, dynamic young man. It was a few years later when Tina’s daughter gave us our second grandson, Adam. He is a strikingly handsome twelve-year-old at the time of this writing, and I couldn’t be prouder of his uncommon compassion and stellar academic performance.
But when he was just a pre-schooler, he was a remarkable little man, and he moved me to write him a little ditty. I made the tune a bit carnivalesque, and I had a chance to extol his virtues in the lyrics. Later in elementary school, when he was being celebrated in school as Boy of the Month, he played it for his teacher and classmates. I’m told he was beaming…
Adam
Hey, look at Adam walkin’.
Hey, look at Adam talkin’.
Hey, don’t you think that he is gonna go far?
Hey, look at how he’s dressed.
Hey, look at how we’re blessed.
We all believe that he’s already a star.
Adam, Adam, whoa Adam
First, he’s gotta get to know ya.
Then, he’s gotta a lot to show ya.
He makes a lot of friends wherever he goes.
Don’t you underestimate him.
Don’t, you ever under-rate him.
Hey, who can say what he’ll become as he grows?
Adam, Adam, whoa Adam.
Hey, he’s really very smart.
Hey, he’s got a great big heart.
We really love him ‘cause he’s simply the best.
Hey, we’re really proud of Adam.
Since, his pretty Momma had ‘em.
He will show us all one day he’s not like the rest.
Adam, Adam, whoa Adam.
***
Aliyah
Adam was four years old when his new baby sister came along, and he was beside himself. He had been waiting for her since he was told she would be coming; and after she arrived, he was all about her. I have never seen a young boy love and care so genuinely for a baby sister like Adam did from the beginning with Aliyah; and six years later, that hasn’t diminished at all. ‘Aliyah’ is an African name meaning ‘queen’, and the music in the name helped when I wrote a song for her, soon after she was born.
Aliyah
Pretty as a picture of a dream.
A princess asleep and so serene.
And she will surely grow to be a queen.
That’s Aliyah.
Came into our world with such a glow.
So innocent and pure as driven snow.
And she has quietly changed the status quo.
That’s Aliyah.
May she be happy and free.
Keeping her safe is the key.
The sweetest thing that you ever saw.
Aliyah.
She’s tiny and perfectly complete,
from her curly black hair down to her feet.
As sweet as a little sugar beet.
Our Aliyah.
She will have all that love can bring.
She has her Pop’s heart on a string.
And whomever will listen I will sing.
About Aliyah.
May all her wishes come true.
May she get all that she’s due.
The sweetest thing that you ever saw.
Aliyah.
She has a brother, and he’s like no other.
Holding her closely every day.
He will protect her, and never neglect her,
keeping her out of harm’s way.
They’re gonna be okay.
Who knows just what she will become,
when all her doing is done?
But you can go tell them it’s begun
for Aliyah.
Nana says that she’s a movie star.
Pop says that she is going far.
Whatever she needs now here we are
for Aliyah.
It’s up to us to be sure
that all of her ills have a cure.
The sweetest thing that you ever saw.
Aliyah.
Yeah, the sweetest thing that you ever saw.
A-li-yah.
***
Far Away in My Heart (Nevaeh’s Song)
Meanwhile, up in Toronto, my only son Lucas was quietly building a wonderful little family of his own. Despite his behavioural difficulties in childhood, Lucas had grown up strong and healthy, and he is a hard-working family man.
Lucas has a strapping teenaged son from a previous relationship, Jaden. He has movie idol looks and has become a legitimate soccer star in the MLS system in TO. A few months before Aliyah was born, Lucas and his wife Jennifer added a lovely baby daughter, Nevaeh. I was unable to be on hand for the blessed event, so I flew up a month or so after to briefly visit and gush over her. After that, it was only the odd Skype session with them, and an occasional phone call.
Having written a song for Aliyah, I had been wanting to write one for Nevaeh since her birth. But with little or no time spent together, I didn’t have much in the way of material from my memories to work with. All I had was the fact that, since she was born, I have loved her and missed her from a great distance, aside from my short visit after she was born.
Finally, in 2017, when Nevaeh was three years old, her parents decided to bring her to Newfoundland for a summer holiday, her first visit to The Rock. In the two months leading up to it, I tried desperately to write a good song, a song I would be proud to have her hear and then listen to anytime she wanted to, but to no avail. Then, about two weeks before their visit, I woke up on a Saturday morning with the phrase “far away in my heart” rattling around in my head. I scurried off to the shed after breakfast, and by lunchtime I had the song I had always wanted to write for her. It may well be my best original song (see “Tunes”).
Far Away in My Heart (Nevaeh’s Song)
Shiny and new she came to be,
a life and a world away from me.
So, I would have to wait to see
the precious one,
the child of my son.
After time and circumstance,
after all the coulds and can’ts,
I finally got the chance
to see the light,
shining oh so bright.
Oh, Nevaeh.
Let me play a song for you.
Here to stay yet apart,
far away in my heart, Nevaeh.
You know it’s true.
Oh, but what can I do?
Baby, I love you.
Taken by her baby blue eyes,
as clear as the open skies,
I could feel the tears arise
inside of me.
Ah, but so happily.
Then I got to hold her tight.
I hugged her with all my might.
Then I remembered my flight.
I had to go.
It hurt me so.
Oh, Nevaeh.
Let me play a song for you.
Here to stay yet apart.
Far away in my heart, Nevaeh.
You know it’s true.
But what can I do?
Baby, I love you.
Now you’re all of three years old,
with hair like freshly spun gold.
I’m sure that they broke the mold
when you were made,
and the angels played.
Now it feels so good to know
you’re coming here to put on a show,
with your mommy and daddy in tow.
I’ll see you soon.
I’m over the moon.
Oh, Nevaeh.
Let me play a song for you.
Whether together or apart,
you’ll always be in my heart, Nevaeh.
Hope you know that it’s true.
Yeah, whatever you do, little girl.
Your poppy loves you.
Nevaeh.
***
Take it Down
In the summer of 2014, I was fortunate enough to attend Camp Copperhead, a songwriting camp at a beautiful sprawling resort in the Catskills with the inimitable Steve Earle. It was one of the best weeks I have ever spent as a songwriter/musician. Steve, famous for a life of heavy addictions as much as his musical and songwriting talents, arrived at the resort with twenty years clean under his belt, and I was inspired to revisit my own situation with alcohol.
For the first time since writing The Very Best for Tina, I was feeling a need to fundamentally change. I was seriously thinking about admitting to myself and others that I had a problem, and I was considering ways to tackle it. How to go about it and when wasn’t clear yet at all, but I was having a harder time denying to myself that it was becoming necessary. A song I started in upstate New York that week started to explore this with water as a metaphor for one’s life, the passage of time, and going back to find the root of one’s problem. I finished it soon after returning home:
Take it Down
I’m gonna take it down to the river.
I’m gonna take it down.
The water is cold and I’m gonna shiver,
but I’m gonna take it down.
I’m gonna take it down.
I’m gonna take it down.
Follow the river down to the ocean.
Follow the river down.
To witness the water’s total devotion.
Follow the river down.
Follow the river down.
Follow the river down.
Tracing my way from back where I started.
What will this journey bestow?
To understand why I’m so broken-hearted.
I’m hoping it lies in the flow.
Maybe I just need to grow.
And maybe I’ll never know.
Sitting me down at the edge of the ocean,
taking it all the way down.
All of this water and all this emotion.
I feel like I’m gonna drown.
The water is dirty and brown.
But I’m gonna take it down
Yeah, I’m gonna take it down.
I’m gonna take it….down.
Take it down.
Take it down.
Down.
Down,
Yeah down.
With this, I opened wide the question of my addiction to alcohol for myself, and I knew it was only a matter of time before I would address it.
Then, on a weekend in early November 2016, drinking alone in my shed in Branch, I had an epiphany. I could suddenly see with more clarity than ever before that alcohol wasn’t doing what it used to do for me. Drinking now made me angry instead of happy, and I had completely missed this transformation, of course. I was drinking too much. The change had been coming gradually, and only now could I see the difference. As I heard one reformed alcoholic say once, it was like an old friend started stabbing me in the back.
I can shudder now at the thought of when that monumental realization hit me, and how small and regretful I felt that morning. I returned to St. John’s to tell Tina, and to be with her. I have not had a drink since, and I don’t expect I ever will. Getting over all that lost time in a fog of alcohol, the low productivity, and the waste of our precious time together took longer than the withdrawal. But once I finished crying over all that spilt milk, I knew I was done with it. Seeing it for what it really was and what it was doing to me was what I needed. These days I never think of drinking.
***
